I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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