this beer tastes like vomit already
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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