New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
