Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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