I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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