from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just high enough for therapy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
