You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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