if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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