Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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