I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
