last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
