i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
