Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
