Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
