On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
