Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
