I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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