DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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