woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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