dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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