whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
