it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
