Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
