I can text with my tongue
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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