I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's shark week go big or go home
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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