I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
