This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
