ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
