I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
