she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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