Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
