the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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