My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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