And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
