Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
