The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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