The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i've created a new STD.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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