What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
