Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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