Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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