I wish my penis had an off switch
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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