you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
