i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
