Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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