Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
