you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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