Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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