Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
