Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
