A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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