Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
