batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just had sex bonerless
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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