eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
